No Ragrets

I purposely used the misspelled "RAGRETS" from the movie, "We're The Millers" has a humorous opening. There are so many quotes about regret.

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.

No amount of regret can change the past. No amount of anxiety can change the future.

My personal favorite:

I don't believe in the word REGRET. I believe in the phrase; YOU FUCKED UP AND NOW YOU LEARN FROM IT.

Learning. That's the key. When your small, you are bound to do shit that now would seem crazy. Like lighting a roll of toilet paper on fire and quickly blowing it out. Hopefully. Or how about lighting the bottoms of the curtains in your parents bedroom? Both me! And believe me, you cannot flush burnt pieces of curtain down the toilet. That shit will be found out. And then you have an angry mother busting into bath time threatening to light a match under your ass. Not fun. Grounded. Did it stop me? Yeah. For a bit. Then my buddy next door and I thought we could have a campfire in the small woods behind our house. In the summer. Dry grass, weeds, tree limbs, etc. You can ask my now brother -in-law about jumping off the ladder from painting my parents' house and running with buckets out to the field. Luckily, parents not home, no fire department called, and cool sister's boyfriend. THAT pretty much did it. Done. Fin. Learned my lesson. But it took a bit. Thankfully before something really bad happened. These are the pearls I mean to impart when I tell these stories to our kids. So they will think of these when they are maybe holding a lighter or match and are curious. They will stop and think. Maybe. Who knows. It may have to be a lesson they have to learn on their own. Hopefully not at someone else's expense.

When you're very young you don't stop and think. You think that happens when you're older. Nope. Still happens. If you haven't figured it out by now, I am going through regrets I have. Kind of like confession, just without the priest.
You get older, but not necessarily wiser. Eventually, theft becomes a thrill you have to try. A little older, but not yet wiser. Like wanting the latest Spiderman comic, or drawings of Buffalo Sabres players (French Connection) that are for sale in the local market down the street. Wilson peeps, you know what our main market was/is. So, tuck them under a jean jacket or shirt, and there you go. There were no big surveillance cameras or store detectives. Just two checkout lanes, and straight to the door. So pretty cool. I got a couple things I really wanted, didn't have to ask the folks or nothing. Now I admit it felt great at first. But then I started feeling bad. Guilty. So one night, I asked my dad to come in my room at bedtime, and I told him. He was fairly cool about it. Asked if I learned my lesson. I asked him if I had to go to the market and give myself up.
He shook his head and told me he would send an anonymous letter with payment for the comic and pictures. He told them that I had felt bad and he was paying for them. Which he did. I felt better. I learned, right? Nope. It would take something a little more serious to affect that change. Doesn't that suck? You escape certain death and decide, "Let's up the ante."

So, we are in downtown Lockport, having a bite at The Royal, milkshakes, etc.
We decide to walk around some of the shops at the time, and I head straight for store with comic books and trading cards, my passion at the time. I see a Superman paperback comic that I feel I must have. I carefully slide it up under my jacket and I'm getting ready to leave. The woman behind the cash register stops me. She walks over, and slowly unzips my jacket. I must have turned deadly pale. She asked where my parents were, and I told her they were at another store. She told me to never come in there again. And I didn't. Got queasy anytime we drove past it after that. Now I learned. I've told that story many times to try and drive home the point about stealing and possible consequences. Now I won't say that there have been a couple of instances walking out of Wegmans and they've forgotten to charge me for something at the bottom of my cart that wasn't noticed. Now with the fancy scanners down there, it doesn't happen. I like to think that I played a small part in that technology being utilized now.

Getting a little more older now. Please keep reading. This will be a bit. But c'mon, it's a little interesting, isn't it? So now we have the desire to throw snowballs at cars. My buddy next door and I decided that it would be fun. And it was. I'm not thinking. The sound of a snowball connecting to the side of a moving car was glorious. We would throw, hit the target, and run inside his house and hide, especially when the car would turn around and pull in his driveway. It was exhilarating. But it wasn't until we hit the local insurance agent's car, who called my dad (small town where everybody pretty much knows everybody), and I was made to walk downtown, with my other buddy, who happened to be a girl that we unfortunately dragged into our devious game, and apologize face to face. I still get a little hell for that from his wife, who happened to be one of my teachers later on.  Lesson learned. No more snowballls. They can really cause damage or scare someone into an accident. Bad news.

I'm not going to list every single thing. So take it easy. Now I am at an age where drinking starts coming into play. It's inevitable in high school that this temptation will present itself. We've told our kids this too. We just hope that they remember stories we tell and they can make the right decision at the time. There were occasions where I drank in high school. Float making parties, class trips, or parents out of town parties. I rode my bike home a little wobbly a couple times. But I never drove with anybody that was wasted. There were some fatal accidents in high school we lost people. We tell our kids all the time, that if they ever find themselves drunk at a party or needing a ride, that they need to call us. Whatever time. No questions, no yelling. There will be a discussion the next day, but they can trust us. Rather be woken up at 2 a.m. by my kid needing a ride, than the doorbell ringing with an officer telling me they're dead. Not sure if my parents would have felt quite the same. Not wanting us dead, but being very pissed off with the circumstances.

Now there were times in college, and later in life, where I did get behind the wheel after drinking. Once in freshman year when I went out with high school friends in Lockport, and drove them home, dropped them all off, window open and pulling into the driveway not knowing how I got there. Not cool. At all. A couple times as an adult, but alcohol soon stopped being a priority. Too many times wasted, puking, and feeling like shit took its toll. I will still have a beer or wine every once in a great while, but those days are done. And if I find myself tipsy, I'm usually not going anywhere.

Next up? Credit cards. The Devil's plastic money. I was talked into getting my first one by my best friend, who shall remain nameless. First of all, there is a difference between having one with a good job and a not so great job. I was the latter, but I found out how awesome it was to go buy shit without having money, and just paying a minimum once a month. How cool. I could buy a pair of speakers at Silo (remember that store?) for $200 and only pay $15 a month. Not knowing of course, that if I MADE the payments to pay it off, it would end up costing me twice that. Sucker! But I kept acquiring more. It was easy. But I never learned, just racked up more and more, until finally it became overwhelming. This built up through my first marriage, and after finally paying them off through Consumer Credit Counseling, I was done. Yeah. For a bit. Then more shit would come up and I needed things, until once again. BAM! I do regret not being aware in the beginning, but you know what? THAT is the type of shit they should be worrying about teaching in school. Not this stupid Common Core. Don't get me started. I know I have teacher friends out there that will try to defend, but don't try now. That's like being a Trump supporter and trying to turn me. Ain't going to happen. Gotten better with credit anyway.

Relationships are another. I regret not knowing enough early on about relationships. In high school, it's very rare to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and know what the hell you're doing. It's either holding hands in the hallway, making out at a school dance or football game. Maybe a party when the lights get turned off. Sex if you're lucky, but isn't that all most of it is? I was not a fortunate one to have that pleasure. Not many girlfriends. But inexperienced enough to screw them up. I know enough know, but don't have the luxury of having a Delorean time machine. I was in college before I finally started trying to have more adult relationships. I had a chance with a girl in high school from a neighboring school. She was pretty. And sexy. And totally not someone I would think would like me. My confidence has never been all that great. Anyway, she really liked me, I was intimidated sexually. Inexperienced. So I ran. Stupid. I had one more shot with her when I was a senior in college, but fucked that up too. I was crazy about another girl from college, and my thinking was clouded. She ended up breaking up with me, story of my life, and I was a mess. There was another girl that I was also fond of, but my dysfunctional history with girls made me treat her not too great, and I played upon her fondness for me. I was a dick. I have since apologized to her, and have worked toward establishing a decent friendship. I can only hope she forgives me.

I went through some better relationships after, and eventually met my first wife. We were inseparable for awhile, with a lot of driving from Wilson to South Buffalo. We eventually married and moved to Virginia Beach because of my first teaching job. It was tough. Homesickness. Anxiety. Not all bad. But eventually moved back and started to try and find work and a different life. I don't regret marrying her. It seemed right at the time. We had a beautiful daughter together, so I will never regret my first marriage. I do regret not sensing that we had grown apart, and were good as friends and roommates, but not so much husband and wife. I was afraid of a life alone or separated and our daughter to worry about. I met someone, and she met someone. We separated amicably and are still friends and co-parent together fairly well.

Still with me? Okay. I have regrets about job choices I made. I have never really settled on any one thing. I taught. I did enjoy that. Especially at St. Peters School in Lewiston, NY. It was wonderful. The students and teachers. I was happy. Low low pay, but I was happy. I enjoyed working for DaVita Dialysis, and unfortunately was laid off after working as a Training Coordinator and having to travel occasionally to Boston, or New York, Philadelphia, and Nashville for a convention. Even Las Vegas. It was good money. I've never seen that salary again. I regret not having the confidence or drive to look for something better. I am happy where I work now, at Roswell Park, but I need to find something that will pay me more money. My wife has been making a very good salary since we've been together, and I need to be able to contribute more. And I should work at something more to my abilities. I regret letting her down in that respect. She deserves a little of the weight taken off. I will NEVER regret marrying her though.

I don't know. That might just about do it. Although there are really only two major regrets left that still haunt me. The first is the day my mother and I had an argument and I left. I was supposed to golf with my father that night. I didn't go because I was afraid he'd yell at me and make me go home. That was the last time we played in a league together and I never got that opportunity again. I punished him for something I did. It was a messed up situation. I was finally able to confess how sorry I was when he was in the hospital for the last time. Not sure if he understood, but I only hope he did. The last is a tough one. My dad was in the hospital and had decided to let himself go. He didn't want anything done to keep him going. The doctors gave him about a week. I didn't visit him since the day I saw him and told him about how sorry I was about golfing, etc. I knew he was mostly out of it. Eyes closed, laying there, not able to talk anymore. I didn't want to see him like that. I had Cordelia call him and my sister put the phone to his ear so she could say hello and goodbye and I love you. Two days later, he was gone. It is a regret, but I live with it and the choice I made.

So people, regrets are a fact of life. You either live with them, or try to forget about them, or learn from them. We are all human. Nobody is perfect. I am not spiritual. I am Agnostic, and I don't find comfort from a God. I guess I find comfort in the learning that I received and the strength I find within myself. I hope that I am able to continue to live my life as regret free as possible, but still knowing that I am bound to make more mistakes before my time on this planet is done.

Thank you for listening. Feel free to comment. Peace and love to you all.