A Delorean and a Flux Capacitor

     Anyone who has seen Back to the Future will know what I'm talking about. A time machine made with a Delorean car and the Flux Capacitor that powers it and makes it travel. Who hasn't at one time thought of going back in time and either right a wrong, or maybe make a different decision. Choose a different path in life. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. It's crossed mine. A few times maybe.
     There have been moments where I sit back and ask myself, what the hell were you thinking? Life isn't made up of perfect choices. And since none of us are perfect, that would seem to make sense.
     The problem with going back and changing something, even the smallest of choices, could drastically alter your present. Perhaps you don't meet someone, or your children are different, and with a different mother. I know that I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. So I am content with that choice in my past.
     But I have made poor choices. Many out of anxiety. And since anxiety is one of my issues that I am being treated for, it is unfortunate that I was unable to have the treatment then that I do now. Things were different years ago. There wasn't a plethora of therapists and medications. They were not as normal as they are now. No one would look at you twice if you said you saw a therapist.
     I made decisions based on anxiety. If I was scared or nervous, I either didn't do it or didn't stick with it. I had a homesickness problem. It prevented me from doing and sticking with many things. I was accepted into the Radio and Television Broadcasting program at Ithaca College. My best friend was also going there as a music major. Beautiful campus, stellar program with a good employment potential. Who knows? I could be working for ESPN or NBC Sports today. My best friend was there. What could be the problem? My anxiety. I could not take it. I was unable to function. I was dropped off, moved into my dorm, and I lost it. Fear, anxiety, homesickness, you name it. I hopped on a bus home. My friend tried to talk me down. He didn't like the thought of being left alone there. We had planned this. We were excited. But I couldn't do it. Needless to say my folks were not happy. They couldn't understand it. I had been accepted into the Theatre Studies program at Niagara University as well, and I immediately called and was lucky enough to be allowed in.
     This turned out to be a blessing, because I had a wonderful four years, doing what I loved and met many great friends, some whom I still see today. Now I did not go to New York City, or Los Angeles like many of my peers. Again, anxiety. I felt that I wouldn't be able to hack it for one. I was talented, but not like others that left. They were strong. They were talented. They had the will to succeed. Living far from home was exciting to them. They wanted it. I knew I wouldn't be able to. Sometimes I wish I had tried, but again, I feel that in the end, it was the right choice.
     There were girls that I dated and broke up with. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Maybe I would change something, or try harder, or give it a chance. I don't know.
     They say things happen for a reason. If I hadn't done any of those things, I may not be here today, married to a wonderful woman, living in a nice house, with a great family. I wouldn't want to change that ever. The one thing I can say I would do differently is work to find that job that I love. Or at least something that I enjoyed and made decent money. Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. It's not sexy, or high paying, but it's a good environment, and what we do eventually plays a part in Cancer research, which is good. But my wife works very hard at what she does and brings in a healthy paycheck. Mine does contribute, but being able to contribute more would be nice, and would be helpful to her. I write and self-publish books. I continue to hope that maybe something will happen and I'll become a rich and famous author. I guess it would help if I tried a little harder to perhaps find an agent or a publisher that would pay me to have my books published and sold. So if anyone reading this knows somebody?
     I do my best to try and add more to the coffer. I apply almost daily for other jobs that might bring in more money for our family. Being the major breadwinner for our family is hard on my wife many times, and stressful to say the least. She's intelligent, and good at what she does. The people she works with would testify to that.
     Unfortunately, there is no time traveling Delorean. Choices are made, and can rarely be changed unless caught in time. Most of us don't realize until it's too late. Things happen for a reason. My wife believes that we all basically have a book, and it's been written, so what happens to us was supposed to happen. That's why we are where we are today. But I guess if I did have a chance, as long as it didn't change my present, I would have made different career choices, or even worked harder in some of the careers I've had. Unfortunately, anxiety played a major role in just about everything. It's in many cases ruined my life. I'm better now and am getting help that was mostly unavailable to me earlier.
     So my friends, don't sweat over choices you've made. They're done. Over. Fin. All you can do is learn from them and use them as tools for future choices. You are lucky if a poor choice is made that you are able to reflect on. Think about those that made poor decisions that resulted in a loss of life. Perhaps their own. No getting that back or learning from.
     Bottom line for me is, that I am grateful if some of my choices led me to where I am today, and the wonderful wife and best friend I am married to. For her, I would go back and do certain things different. All I can do right now is try to get another opportunity to succeed and take a little load off her shoulders.
     Don't let anxiety run your life. Run is just an "i" short of ruin.

No Vacancy for Complacency

     One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship, and it rears it’s ugly head quite often, is complacency. Webster’s defines complacency as “a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try and make them better.” When you are in a relationship, especially a long term one, it is easy for both sides to become complacent. You know each other. How you act and do things. Taking this for granted becomes the start of this horrible beast. You forget that two working as one, and it’s easy to slide into bad habits you may have had previously. You are not single anymore. It isn’t just you.
    I have been guilty of this myself. Why wouldn’t you? It’s always more attractive to take the easy way. Being complacent is easy. You can also become lazy. In my marriage, my wife has always been the one who "wears the pants" the majority of the time, and I am comfortable enough in my manhood to say I don't mind. She has her ideas on how she wants things, and I’ve always made sure to do my best that she is able to get what she wants. It’s not always possible, but I try. She has done an incredible job raising her sons, and taking care of my daughter as if she were her own. All this while working in a fast paced job that she works from home, and before you say that it’s a sweet deal to work from home, she is still on the phone most of the day, and working hard to make as much money for her employer as she can. Other than the fact that she can work in her pajamas from time to time, it's almost harder than being in an office. She is at "the office" 24/7.
    She has a certain way of doing things and I’ve been with her long enough to know how it works. Many times she will take charge and do things, mostly because she wants it done the way she does it and figures it’s easier to do it herself. She will be the first to admit that this is one of her issues, because it has been one of the things that made it easy for me to fall into the complacency trap. The problem is that this was the perfect excuse for me to sit back and let her do things, taking it for granted that she had it under control. Homework, dinner, showers, medications that had to be doled out at certain times. What I didn’t realize was that it was making her resent me. Her love was being forced deep into hiding and being replaced with anger and resentment. Then, she would be angry and I would apologize and get up and try to help, but the damage was done.
    It was too easy to just sit down after dinner and do whatever. Check my phone, or hop onto the PS4 to shoot some zombies. I’d do the dishes, and help with dinner, but when she still had to work, I was leaving the bulk on her. My job starts and ends at certain times. With her job, she is pretty much on demand all day. She’s even gotten texts after we’ve gone to bed. Now she doesn’t always continue to address these issues all day, but it’s something that is always on her plate. The craziest part about all this complacency is that I want her to be done so we can watch television, or talk, or be able to go upstairs after the kids are in bed so we cuddle and watch HGTV, a favorite part of my day. On occasion, intimacy might come into play, a nice surprise, but nothing that will happen if she’s tired from working while still trying to handle family business. Wouldn’t I want to help as much as possible if it meant having her to myself later? That’s why falling into this trap is such a hell hole. Your brain has trained itself to just let her do it. Telling you, “Don’t worry about it. She’s got it covered. Besides, she wants it done her way anyway.”
    Now, I love my wife very much. Sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to wake you up. Let’s just say she gave me that kick. I was no longer being looked at as a partner. I was now an anchor. An anchor that could be cut loose. I needed to get my shit together, and fast, or I’d be an anchor slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean, resting on the sandy carpet alone and rusting. My wife deserved a husband that would help her when she needed it. She admits that her ways of doing things caused much of this complacency, but I still needed to step up. It’s not easy to retrain your brain after it has gotten used to thinking a certain way. My wife is worth the work that I need to undertake to turn things around.

    Now complacency can be a two way street. It’s just as easy to do the job yourself without saying anything. The important thing in any relationship is communication. The right kind of communication. You both need to be assertive. Do not confuse this with aggressive. Open and honest, and respectful of each others feelings.
    Don’t be passive aggressive. You bottle your feelings up, and then let petty little actions and fake agreements, cocky smiles or smirks, and overall, just avoiding confrontation and lacking the communication necessary that just might resolve the issue at hand. People that exhibit this personality can be stubborn, fail to accomplish tasks, intentionally make mistakes, always complaining that they are being targeted and feeling they're not being treated fairly. They believe everything is about them and will always have to get in the last word. The “silent treatment” is also a passive aggressive characteristic. Freezing their partner out. Making it nearly impossible to talk and resolve anything until they are ready on their terms.
    Being aggressive, strong actions and harsh and pointed verbal attacks, will almost always end badly, and will do nothing to resolve the conflict. It will only make matters worse.
    So learn to communicate with your partner. If you are truly partners it shouldn’t be too difficult. Talk about things. Open and honestly talk. You’d be surprised what you can both learn about each other, and this will lead to more compromise and resolution, which is what we all want, right?
   

Primaries Done! Move On!

     The last primary wrapped up today, and as it has been reported before, Hillary Clinton will be the democratic nominee for the 2016 Presidential election. Bernie Sanders and many of his supporters have been crying foul for a long time now. He is determined to stay in this campaign and fight until the bitter end. Almost ensuring that Donald Trump will become our next president. Talk about s nightmare. Sanders supporters are rallying behind the "never Hillary" and "I won't vote" or "I'll vote green or independent."
     None of these voting scenarios end with a Sanders presidency. None will end with a Clinton presidency. They do all end in a Trump presidency. The man who stands for EVERYTHING Sanders and his supporters are against. Hillary as well. Do they really think that by choosing to vote this way or not vote at all is making a stand for their candidate?  Well congratulations. You showed 'em. We will now have 4 years of a racist, antagonistic, Sabre rattling, gun toting, misogynistic, and ignorant president. Good job!
     It's probably fairly obvious where I stand and whom I am voting for. We need to come together and hope that our respective candidates will work together and find solutions that will help bring the party together. Again, this is only my opinion.
     But together we stand and with Trump we fall.

Guns or No Guns?

     "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

     This is the Second Amendment. Written shortly after the Revolutionary War. After many people fought and died trying to become free from Britain. Many used their own guns. Mostly Muskets. Just think about its intent for a minute.

     I'm not here to debate whether or not there should be gun control. It's a hot button topic during these times of elections and civil unrest. Mass shootings.
I don't believe that the government, especially this president, is trying to come and take people's guns away. He has said so. But does anyone really need an AK47 to exercise their "right" to bear arms? There are guns available that can kill an intruder just as well as something that fires anywhere from 40 rounds per minute to 600 rounds. Who needs that? Soldiers maybe. I don't think that the founding fathers, if alive today, would agree that it's the right of every gun owner to have these automatic and semi-automatic weapons freely available.
The government just wants to regulate the sales of these, as with other guns. If you have a clear background, no problem. You can buy a gun. Just not any gun.
     "Whoa. Hold on partner. Second Amendment says I should be able to have any type of gun I want."
     I realize that people that would wish harm on others will find a way to get a weapon. But why make it easy to get guns that can kill mass amounts of people in a short period of time? It makes no sense!
     People need to educate themselves. Myself included. But it was never said that guns were going to be taken away. Click on the link below and hear for yourself the president's explanation. I know some will choose to not believe it. Think it's a bunch of BS. Some have already made up their minds. No changing it. But if not, just watch and listen. It is more relevant today after the horrific event in Orlando. Maybe it will make more sense. Again, just my opinion. I am only exercising my First Amendment right.
     

Obama answers gun control question from gun shop owner

The Demon "Insecurity"

    Let me start by saying I am the perfect husband. Attentive, charming, loving, a good catch, lucky to have, and the list could run on for a bit. At least this is what others have said about me, either to my wife, or on social media. And you know what? I may be all of those things, but certainly NOT perfect.
    Within all of these accolades, there lies a hidden truth. A truth buried deeper than the secrets of DaVinci. A truth that is as painful to admit as it is to live. The truth is I am an insufferably insecure and complacent jerk most times. I don’t mean to be, but there are many pieces to the puzzle that make up the mosaic that is my personality, especially in love and relationships.
    I am by no means a doctor, counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, or self-help guru. I am merely a guy, who throughout his life, has had problems dealing with relationship insecurities, anxieties, phobias…well, name it. I’ve had it, I’ve done it, I’ve even had it done to me. What I am attempting to do is hopefully help any person (I’m being politically correct, because it’s not just a man thing) save their relationship before it implodes into a burst of hellfire and eternal damnation. I’m actually attempting to, well not attempting, I am GOING TO save myself of this disaster now before it ends an eight year relationship with a woman who I not only feel is worth it, but is also my wife and best friend. She has always had my love and respect, as well as my “desire,” but also has had my insecurity blanket draped over her from almost day one. And for that, I must make amends and set things right, therefore rebooting myself in the process. Ed 2.0. The Six Million Dollar Man of relationships (without Lee Majors good looks of course).
    I’m hopeful that I can stay on the island and not get voted off, and in the process help others to stave off elimination as well. So take a seat, settle in, grab a cold drink or whatever it is you're into, and take a ride with me.                                                             
    Close your eyes and picture a camping trip. You know, the one where you have your campfire stoked and roaring. Sitting around it, listening to tunes, preferably the Eagles, maybe the Hip, a cold beer in your hand, and the kids in bed. Nothing but the crackling sounds of the fire and the dulcet tones of Don Henley on a dark desert highway, cool wind in his hair. Now, the park ranger comes and begins to throw dirt on the fire, telling you it’s time to put it out. With each shovel of dirt, the flames die a little bit more, until all that’s left are some smoldering embers, barely glowing enough to prove that at one time, a roaring, beautiful blaze once existed.
    The fire needs oxygen. It needs to breathe. Without it, it will suffocate and die. Burn out. Fade away. The dirt smothers it. Kills what was once a powerful beast of an inferno, enjoyed by all who sat around it, comforted by the warmth that once emanated from it.
    Love is the same thing. Like that fire, when fed properly and taken care of, it will burn as bright as a million stars. But when doused with the shovelfuls of insecurity and jealousy, it smothers it and it will die, without possibly leaving any embers left to try and get it blazing again. 
    Love is a wonderful thing. There can never be too much love, right? Actually love is good. Too much, well, not so much. This is when what we’ll call “smothering” love can occur. A partner will pay a lot of attention to their significant other. Showering them with love and affection, maybe little notes here and there, cards, flowers, maybe even that infamous “mixtape” of love songs, but now it’s a CD or an MP3 playlist. Doesn’t sound so bad, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be treated like that? In the early stages of a relationship, what we call the “honeymoon period,” both parties are infatuated with each other. It’s the beginning sparks of new love. It’s beautiful, invigorating, glorious, scary, and fun all at once. The fire has started to burn.
    Now as the flames creep higher, they eventually even out, and we have a nice little bonfire going. The insecure partner in the relationship will continue to want to fan the flames, trying to achieve the bonfire of all bonfires. They want their partner to join them. Throw some more logs on. Let’s really get this thing blazing. Sometimes the partner will, wanting to but also knowing that it’s what their lover wants. But eventually they get tired of throwing wood in the fire and are satisfied with the flames as they are. It’s a good fire. They are tired of feeding it.
     Being insecure, the insecure partner wants the other to respond in kind. To show them that they too want the fire to rage.
     So yes, I am insecure. I go through moments where I can hardly breathe because I haven't gotten a text back or heard from her. But a little therapy goes a long way (As well as some Lexapro!). I have learned breathing exercises. Relaxation techniques. I have even bought a program that uses hypnosis MP3's to help get rid of anxiety and insecurity issues. It works. The combo of all these things has evened me out. I can say that I have remained fairly cool as of late, and don't really stress like I did. Dannielle is busy. She works all day. Sometimes not even allowing herself a bathroom break. I know this. So not getting a text right away or for long periods of time doesn't bother me. I know she loves me and I don't need a little heart emoji three times a day. And if I get one from out of the blue? The that is even better!
     So insecurity isn't a death sentence. Neither is anxiety. It just takes a little work, maybe some medication, and a dash of willpower.  

Hello world!

Welcome to my new blog! I wanted a way to be able to share some of my thoughts, stories, opinions, and a whatever else may pass through my head. I welcome your thoughts, stories, opinions, and whatever may pass through your head as well! Remember, knowledge is power, so if together we are able to create something that others may find helpful, entertaining, or educational, then I think we are doing the right job. I hope you enjoy whatever it is that I lay down here, and I look forward to sharing life together.