One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship, and it rears it’s ugly head quite often, is complacency. Webster’s defines complacency as “a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try and make them better.” When you are in a relationship, especially a long term one, it is easy for both sides to become complacent. You know each other. How you act and do things. Taking this for granted becomes the start of this horrible beast. You forget that two working as one, and it’s easy to slide into bad habits you may have had previously. You are not single anymore. It isn’t just you.
I have been guilty of this myself. Why wouldn’t you? It’s always more attractive to take the easy way. Being complacent is easy. You can also become lazy. In my marriage, my wife has always been the one who "wears the pants" the majority of the time, and I am comfortable enough in my manhood to say I don't mind. She has her ideas on how she wants things, and I’ve always made sure to do my best that she is able to get what she wants. It’s not always possible, but I try. She has done an incredible job raising her sons, and taking care of my daughter as if she were her own. All this while working in a fast paced job that she works from home, and before you say that it’s a sweet deal to work from home, she is still on the phone most of the day, and working hard to make as much money for her employer as she can. Other than the fact that she can work in her pajamas from time to time, it's almost harder than being in an office. She is at "the office" 24/7.
She has a certain way of doing things and I’ve been with her long enough to know how it works. Many times she will take charge and do things, mostly because she wants it done the way she does it and figures it’s easier to do it herself. She will be the first to admit that this is one of her issues, because it has been one of the things that made it easy for me to fall into the complacency trap. The problem is that this was the perfect excuse for me to sit back and let her do things, taking it for granted that she had it under control. Homework, dinner, showers, medications that had to be doled out at certain times. What I didn’t realize was that it was making her resent me. Her love was being forced deep into hiding and being replaced with anger and resentment. Then, she would be angry and I would apologize and get up and try to help, but the damage was done.
It was too easy to just sit down after dinner and do whatever. Check my phone, or hop onto the PS4 to shoot some zombies. I’d do the dishes, and help with dinner, but when she still had to work, I was leaving the bulk on her. My job starts and ends at certain times. With her job, she is pretty much on demand all day. She’s even gotten texts after we’ve gone to bed. Now she doesn’t always continue to address these issues all day, but it’s something that is always on her plate. The craziest part about all this complacency is that I want her to be done so we can watch television, or talk, or be able to go upstairs after the kids are in bed so we cuddle and watch HGTV, a favorite part of my day. On occasion, intimacy might come into play, a nice surprise, but nothing that will happen if she’s tired from working while still trying to handle family business. Wouldn’t I want to help as much as possible if it meant having her to myself later? That’s why falling into this trap is such a hell hole. Your brain has trained itself to just let her do it. Telling you, “Don’t worry about it. She’s got it covered. Besides, she wants it done her way anyway.”
Now, I love my wife very much. Sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to wake you up. Let’s just say she gave me that kick. I was no longer being looked at as a partner. I was now an anchor. An anchor that could be cut loose. I needed to get my shit together, and fast, or I’d be an anchor slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean, resting on the sandy carpet alone and rusting. My wife deserved a husband that would help her when she needed it. She admits that her ways of doing things caused much of this complacency, but I still needed to step up. It’s not easy to retrain your brain after it has gotten used to thinking a certain way. My wife is worth the work that I need to undertake to turn things around.
Now complacency can be a two way street. It’s just as easy to do the job yourself without saying anything. The important thing in any relationship is communication. The right kind of communication. You both need to be assertive. Do not confuse this with aggressive. Open and honest, and respectful of each others feelings.
Don’t be passive aggressive. You bottle your feelings up, and then let petty little actions and fake agreements, cocky smiles or smirks, and overall, just avoiding confrontation and lacking the communication necessary that just might resolve the issue at hand. People that exhibit this personality can be stubborn, fail to accomplish tasks, intentionally make mistakes, always complaining that they are being targeted and feeling they're not being treated fairly. They believe everything is about them and will always have to get in the last word. The “silent treatment” is also a passive aggressive characteristic. Freezing their partner out. Making it nearly impossible to talk and resolve anything until they are ready on their terms.
Being aggressive, strong actions and harsh and pointed verbal attacks, will almost always end badly, and will do nothing to resolve the conflict. It will only make matters worse.
So learn to communicate with your partner. If you are truly partners it shouldn’t be too difficult. Talk about things. Open and honestly talk. You’d be surprised what you can both learn about each other, and this will lead to more compromise and resolution, which is what we all want, right?
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