The Demon "Insecurity"

    Let me start by saying I am the perfect husband. Attentive, charming, loving, a good catch, lucky to have, and the list could run on for a bit. At least this is what others have said about me, either to my wife, or on social media. And you know what? I may be all of those things, but certainly NOT perfect.
    Within all of these accolades, there lies a hidden truth. A truth buried deeper than the secrets of DaVinci. A truth that is as painful to admit as it is to live. The truth is I am an insufferably insecure and complacent jerk most times. I don’t mean to be, but there are many pieces to the puzzle that make up the mosaic that is my personality, especially in love and relationships.
    I am by no means a doctor, counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, or self-help guru. I am merely a guy, who throughout his life, has had problems dealing with relationship insecurities, anxieties, phobias…well, name it. I’ve had it, I’ve done it, I’ve even had it done to me. What I am attempting to do is hopefully help any person (I’m being politically correct, because it’s not just a man thing) save their relationship before it implodes into a burst of hellfire and eternal damnation. I’m actually attempting to, well not attempting, I am GOING TO save myself of this disaster now before it ends an eight year relationship with a woman who I not only feel is worth it, but is also my wife and best friend. She has always had my love and respect, as well as my “desire,” but also has had my insecurity blanket draped over her from almost day one. And for that, I must make amends and set things right, therefore rebooting myself in the process. Ed 2.0. The Six Million Dollar Man of relationships (without Lee Majors good looks of course).
    I’m hopeful that I can stay on the island and not get voted off, and in the process help others to stave off elimination as well. So take a seat, settle in, grab a cold drink or whatever it is you're into, and take a ride with me.                                                             
    Close your eyes and picture a camping trip. You know, the one where you have your campfire stoked and roaring. Sitting around it, listening to tunes, preferably the Eagles, maybe the Hip, a cold beer in your hand, and the kids in bed. Nothing but the crackling sounds of the fire and the dulcet tones of Don Henley on a dark desert highway, cool wind in his hair. Now, the park ranger comes and begins to throw dirt on the fire, telling you it’s time to put it out. With each shovel of dirt, the flames die a little bit more, until all that’s left are some smoldering embers, barely glowing enough to prove that at one time, a roaring, beautiful blaze once existed.
    The fire needs oxygen. It needs to breathe. Without it, it will suffocate and die. Burn out. Fade away. The dirt smothers it. Kills what was once a powerful beast of an inferno, enjoyed by all who sat around it, comforted by the warmth that once emanated from it.
    Love is the same thing. Like that fire, when fed properly and taken care of, it will burn as bright as a million stars. But when doused with the shovelfuls of insecurity and jealousy, it smothers it and it will die, without possibly leaving any embers left to try and get it blazing again. 
    Love is a wonderful thing. There can never be too much love, right? Actually love is good. Too much, well, not so much. This is when what we’ll call “smothering” love can occur. A partner will pay a lot of attention to their significant other. Showering them with love and affection, maybe little notes here and there, cards, flowers, maybe even that infamous “mixtape” of love songs, but now it’s a CD or an MP3 playlist. Doesn’t sound so bad, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be treated like that? In the early stages of a relationship, what we call the “honeymoon period,” both parties are infatuated with each other. It’s the beginning sparks of new love. It’s beautiful, invigorating, glorious, scary, and fun all at once. The fire has started to burn.
    Now as the flames creep higher, they eventually even out, and we have a nice little bonfire going. The insecure partner in the relationship will continue to want to fan the flames, trying to achieve the bonfire of all bonfires. They want their partner to join them. Throw some more logs on. Let’s really get this thing blazing. Sometimes the partner will, wanting to but also knowing that it’s what their lover wants. But eventually they get tired of throwing wood in the fire and are satisfied with the flames as they are. It’s a good fire. They are tired of feeding it.
     Being insecure, the insecure partner wants the other to respond in kind. To show them that they too want the fire to rage.
     So yes, I am insecure. I go through moments where I can hardly breathe because I haven't gotten a text back or heard from her. But a little therapy goes a long way (As well as some Lexapro!). I have learned breathing exercises. Relaxation techniques. I have even bought a program that uses hypnosis MP3's to help get rid of anxiety and insecurity issues. It works. The combo of all these things has evened me out. I can say that I have remained fairly cool as of late, and don't really stress like I did. Dannielle is busy. She works all day. Sometimes not even allowing herself a bathroom break. I know this. So not getting a text right away or for long periods of time doesn't bother me. I know she loves me and I don't need a little heart emoji three times a day. And if I get one from out of the blue? The that is even better!
     So insecurity isn't a death sentence. Neither is anxiety. It just takes a little work, maybe some medication, and a dash of willpower.