Anyone who has seen Back to the Future will know what I'm talking about. A time machine made with a Delorean car and the Flux Capacitor that powers it and makes it travel. Who hasn't at one time thought of going back in time and either right a wrong, or maybe make a different decision. Choose a different path in life. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. It's crossed mine. A few times maybe.
There have been moments where I sit back and ask myself, what the hell were you thinking? Life isn't made up of perfect choices. And since none of us are perfect, that would seem to make sense.
The problem with going back and changing something, even the smallest of choices, could drastically alter your present. Perhaps you don't meet someone, or your children are different, and with a different mother. I know that I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. So I am content with that choice in my past.
But I have made poor choices. Many out of anxiety. And since anxiety is one of my issues that I am being treated for, it is unfortunate that I was unable to have the treatment then that I do now. Things were different years ago. There wasn't a plethora of therapists and medications. They were not as normal as they are now. No one would look at you twice if you said you saw a therapist.
I made decisions based on anxiety. If I was scared or nervous, I either didn't do it or didn't stick with it. I had a homesickness problem. It prevented me from doing and sticking with many things. I was accepted into the Radio and Television Broadcasting program at Ithaca College. My best friend was also going there as a music major. Beautiful campus, stellar program with a good employment potential. Who knows? I could be working for ESPN or NBC Sports today. My best friend was there. What could be the problem? My anxiety. I could not take it. I was unable to function. I was dropped off, moved into my dorm, and I lost it. Fear, anxiety, homesickness, you name it. I hopped on a bus home. My friend tried to talk me down. He didn't like the thought of being left alone there. We had planned this. We were excited. But I couldn't do it. Needless to say my folks were not happy. They couldn't understand it. I had been accepted into the Theatre Studies program at Niagara University as well, and I immediately called and was lucky enough to be allowed in.
This turned out to be a blessing, because I had a wonderful four years, doing what I loved and met many great friends, some whom I still see today. Now I did not go to New York City, or Los Angeles like many of my peers. Again, anxiety. I felt that I wouldn't be able to hack it for one. I was talented, but not like others that left. They were strong. They were talented. They had the will to succeed. Living far from home was exciting to them. They wanted it. I knew I wouldn't be able to. Sometimes I wish I had tried, but again, I feel that in the end, it was the right choice.
There were girls that I dated and broke up with. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Maybe I would change something, or try harder, or give it a chance. I don't know.
They say things happen for a reason. If I hadn't done any of those things, I may not be here today, married to a wonderful woman, living in a nice house, with a great family. I wouldn't want to change that ever. The one thing I can say I would do differently is work to find that job that I love. Or at least something that I enjoyed and made decent money. Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. It's not sexy, or high paying, but it's a good environment, and what we do eventually plays a part in Cancer research, which is good. But my wife works very hard at what she does and brings in a healthy paycheck. Mine does contribute, but being able to contribute more would be nice, and would be helpful to her. I write and self-publish books. I continue to hope that maybe something will happen and I'll become a rich and famous author. I guess it would help if I tried a little harder to perhaps find an agent or a publisher that would pay me to have my books published and sold. So if anyone reading this knows somebody?
I do my best to try and add more to the coffer. I apply almost daily for other jobs that might bring in more money for our family. Being the major breadwinner for our family is hard on my wife many times, and stressful to say the least. She's intelligent, and good at what she does. The people she works with would testify to that.
Unfortunately, there is no time traveling Delorean. Choices are made, and can rarely be changed unless caught in time. Most of us don't realize until it's too late. Things happen for a reason. My wife believes that we all basically have a book, and it's been written, so what happens to us was supposed to happen. That's why we are where we are today. But I guess if I did have a chance, as long as it didn't change my present, I would have made different career choices, or even worked harder in some of the careers I've had. Unfortunately, anxiety played a major role in just about everything. It's in many cases ruined my life. I'm better now and am getting help that was mostly unavailable to me earlier.
So my friends, don't sweat over choices you've made. They're done. Over. Fin. All you can do is learn from them and use them as tools for future choices. You are lucky if a poor choice is made that you are able to reflect on. Think about those that made poor decisions that resulted in a loss of life. Perhaps their own. No getting that back or learning from.
Bottom line for me is, that I am grateful if some of my choices led me to where I am today, and the wonderful wife and best friend I am married to. For her, I would go back and do certain things different. All I can do right now is try to get another opportunity to succeed and take a little load off her shoulders.
Don't let anxiety run your life. Run is just an "i" short of ruin.
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